The tranquility of a single day goes by to quickly some days and never occurs other days. three days ago, I recieved a surprise of a lifetime, that I accepted and will fully grasp the consequencs in a a couple of years. I am happy when the one I love smiles and I watch as she does her day to day work. Her smile brightens up the day and when she laughs as my handles find those special places, I know shes not being fake with me, and I like it. She makes me feel complete, yet in that hapiness, my words sometimes hurt or ofend her and I always feel so terrible, not being able to believe what I actually did. It makes me feel extremely terrible at times. But for now I am content.
I know that she loves me, but I also know that she could never love me in the same profound way I could love her. I cannot take away the loneliness that shrouds her heart and I think I delude myself sometimes into believing I can. I try to tell myself not to worry, not to feel overwhelmed but it’s all just too much.
My mind races faster than you could ever know as I try to put piece after piece into place; it never works though. Her love helps to bind pieces of me together, but I know in a single moment all of that could be lost. And I would be those separate pieces again. Do I love her? Yes I do. My soulless self just wants to be accepted but I know I could never be truly beautiful in her eyes, as her eyes search for a man. I pretend to laugh it all off and pretend none of it really hurts, but it does sometimes.
I know at this current moment she is upset and depressed and I more than anything want her to be happy but I mean nothing on the spectrum. I am just a figure who she can’t comprehend and figure out, and so thus she tries to turn away. Bad decisions? I make them much more than she does. I know she is not happy here, I know that for a fact. I keep hurting her when all I do is try and help. Should I let her go, because there is someone else I can now turn my head. But if I let her be, like one day she will me, she will shatter into a million shards that cannot be collected.